After I could stand no more, I forced together my little bits of courage and went to bed. It wasn't easybut I went to bed and stayed there until I had slept a couple of hours. It took a few false starts but I managed to sleep without remembering a single dream.
The truly scary part of the nightmares is how I react while awake. I felt the shame of my father's disapproval until I managed to sleep again. The only way to treat yourself for nightmares is to get some undisturbed sleep. I am still ashamed but now it's because I let the proverbial old man beat me down.
I want to be free of the poison but it was decades of disapproval before I got away. Then, I made the mistake of trusting again a few times over. It was worse five years ago. Back then I got the urge to kill myself every time we spoke or I had a nightmare. I have done some healing since then.
It took decades before I was able to call the emotional abuse exactly what it was. ?
Maybe I should follow my own advice and take the time to heal. Just one foot in front of the other taking one step at a time.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Nightmares 101
The pain was intense as it always seems to be when I consider sleeping. In order to let myself sleep, I need to be desperate. That's when I sit still and let Madeline curl up on my lap. For some reason, she prefers to nap on me. I must sit very still or else she hits me with the guilt.
Once I'm sitting very still with Madeline curled up, I work on a good meditative state, Sometimes, this goes well for me.Other times,I fall fast asleep. That's when the nightmares can come. There were two I remember from the last batch. I believe the conventional one came first. I was alone in the house and heard something moving around. Once I got the cats, I knew it wasn't them. The noise kept moving around me staying out of sight. I knew itwas ggoing to get me and clawed my way awake screaming or so I thought.
When I woke up in bed, I had forgotten staying downstairs.This time, I thought the noise was Melissa coming home from work. I got down there to greet her and it was actually my father rooting through the secrets of my closet. He turned to face me and I could feel his disapproval like a physical thing. I told him that I wanted his disapproval out of my life. I have never been that brave in real life but I woke in a panic.
I had to throw Madeline off my lap and move around to wake up for sure. When the pain returned, I medicated and meditated but I refused to sleep. Even when Melissa came home for real, I was too scared to sleep. Close to 12 hours later, Ii'm still too afraid to risk sleep I don't know which dream was worse.
Once I'm sitting very still with Madeline curled up, I work on a good meditative state, Sometimes, this goes well for me.Other times,I fall fast asleep. That's when the nightmares can come. There were two I remember from the last batch. I believe the conventional one came first. I was alone in the house and heard something moving around. Once I got the cats, I knew it wasn't them. The noise kept moving around me staying out of sight. I knew itwas ggoing to get me and clawed my way awake screaming or so I thought.
When I woke up in bed, I had forgotten staying downstairs.This time, I thought the noise was Melissa coming home from work. I got down there to greet her and it was actually my father rooting through the secrets of my closet. He turned to face me and I could feel his disapproval like a physical thing. I told him that I wanted his disapproval out of my life. I have never been that brave in real life but I woke in a panic.
I had to throw Madeline off my lap and move around to wake up for sure. When the pain returned, I medicated and meditated but I refused to sleep. Even when Melissa came home for real, I was too scared to sleep. Close to 12 hours later, Ii'm still too afraid to risk sleep I don't know which dream was worse.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
PDD: March 2013
I was filled with a terrible sense of dread. It was pain doc day and the last few had gone badly for me. As usual, I lost all ability to sleep starting Sunday for 24 hours before my Monday appointment It was as if every defense had gone wrong so that I was in as much pain as possible.
When I arrived, my pain meds kicked in more effectively than usual. It seems I was euphoric from not sleeping. I was pleasant with the drug testers whom I normally treat with all the contempt that I can summon. We were all laughing about things that usually make me want to grind my teeth. My usual doctor was back and that was nice. They let me skip the blood pressure test because they get skewed readings from the agony. I was pleased as punch.
Instead of having to wait for hours as my symptoms spiked, I saw my normal doctor who picked up right where we left off. As I had hoped, the extreme pain trend stopped when I concentrated on the basics of taking my meds at the proper times while getting enough rest. Unfortunately, the good mood couldn't last forever. The pain and fatigue hit me like a truck when I got home.
Nonetheless, it was a victory to have the appointment go well.
When I arrived, my pain meds kicked in more effectively than usual. It seems I was euphoric from not sleeping. I was pleasant with the drug testers whom I normally treat with all the contempt that I can summon. We were all laughing about things that usually make me want to grind my teeth. My usual doctor was back and that was nice. They let me skip the blood pressure test because they get skewed readings from the agony. I was pleased as punch.
Instead of having to wait for hours as my symptoms spiked, I saw my normal doctor who picked up right where we left off. As I had hoped, the extreme pain trend stopped when I concentrated on the basics of taking my meds at the proper times while getting enough rest. Unfortunately, the good mood couldn't last forever. The pain and fatigue hit me like a truck when I got home.
Nonetheless, it was a victory to have the appointment go well.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Part III: Write Everything Down
I am a long time journaller both public and private yet I keep very poor records. I grew up in a household where I had no expectation of privacy. Thus, I wrote down as little as possible. This helped me as a child but I have all the privacy I want and then some. I have no secrets that I'm keeping from Melissa and it's just the two of us.
Today, I had the pleasure of a full-scale panic attack because I couldn't remember if I couldn't remember if I had paid the rent due March 1st. No, my landlord isn't that patient unless he wasttrying to help me out. He is more the sort to help me out by reminding me and then adding his worries to my own. I know this but I was having a panic attack. All such useful knowledge disappears mid-attack. BTW: I paid on February 25th.
Just for this reason, I had been writing down the date when I paid each bill. Then, the paper binder I was using got buried by cat blankets, toys and some books. (The books were mine. ) I am going to use this tablet for the stuff I can write down. The binder will be useful for keeping actual paperwork. It will be nice to have my blog in the same place as when I put on my,most recent patch. Adding when I paid bills to that will be useful.
I am so tired. It's time to end this entry.
Today, I had the pleasure of a full-scale panic attack because I couldn't remember if I couldn't remember if I had paid the rent due March 1st. No, my landlord isn't that patient unless he wasttrying to help me out. He is more the sort to help me out by reminding me and then adding his worries to my own. I know this but I was having a panic attack. All such useful knowledge disappears mid-attack. BTW: I paid on February 25th.
Just for this reason, I had been writing down the date when I paid each bill. Then, the paper binder I was using got buried by cat blankets, toys and some books. (The books were mine. ) I am going to use this tablet for the stuff I can write down. The binder will be useful for keeping actual paperwork. It will be nice to have my blog in the same place as when I put on my,most recent patch. Adding when I paid bills to that will be useful.
I am so tired. It's time to end this entry.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Extreme Pain Checklist, Part II
Yesterday, I finished up my post in too much pain to continue. I noted that the second item on the checklist would be cutting tasks up into manageable, bite-sized pieces. What I failed to mention is just how bad I am at doing so. Part of the problem is that I can't find small enough pieces to swallow. Taking a single bag of trash out to the dumpster is too difficult and, at the same time, doesn't even let me break even. I require massive, maximum effort days just to catch up a little.
Each maximum effort day carries with it the threat of days dominated by screaming agony. Yes, there will come a point when I will take the risk to avoid offensive odors. What am I supposed to do when I'm at the screaming agony point already? The complicating point is the neigborhood dumpster. It is too far away. When Melissa drives the trash out, she might have to turn around and bring it back because it disappears all too often. If it is there, she must lift garbage over her head to shove it in. This is a big deal for someone who may need shoulder surgery.
We do our best when I'm not already in agony or she is as up to it as she can be, the dumpster is there and nothing else has reached crisis proportions for the moment. I'm sick of living like this but the help isn't out there.
Where is my bite-sized piece?
Each maximum effort day carries with it the threat of days dominated by screaming agony. Yes, there will come a point when I will take the risk to avoid offensive odors. What am I supposed to do when I'm at the screaming agony point already? The complicating point is the neigborhood dumpster. It is too far away. When Melissa drives the trash out, she might have to turn around and bring it back because it disappears all too often. If it is there, she must lift garbage over her head to shove it in. This is a big deal for someone who may need shoulder surgery.
We do our best when I'm not already in agony or she is as up to it as she can be, the dumpster is there and nothing else has reached crisis proportions for the moment. I'm sick of living like this but the help isn't out there.
Where is my bite-sized piece?
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Extreme Pain Checklist
I haven't been up to writing any blog posts lately because sitting at my desk has been too much for me. Thus, I was more than a little excited when Melissa offered to replace the crappy tablet that just didn't work. I was just about ready to burst with everything I needed to vent.
The pain has been horrifying lately to the point where I was ready to panic. That's when I realized that I had gotten lazy about my pain treatment. The pills had been working on their own so I got into the habit of being a one trick pony and one that waited for severe pain before taking them. That's not how the game is played.
As the title promised, here's an incomplete checklist on how it is played.
1.) Keep up with the routine stuff.
Like most of us, my memory is iffy at best. One of my medications is a patch that has to be changed every 72 hours. How the hell am I supposed to remember that? Duh, John! You write it down. The calendar where I had been tracking this got buried. I unburied it and I haven't missed a patch change since.
Not all the routine stuff is so straightforward. The next big improvement I neee to make is getting regular rest. Right now, that means saving my work and getting back to it later. It's later now as the threatened pain spike eased off.
Regular rest is a toughie for me. One of the more successful strategies I used for avoiding abuse was to appear to be or, better yet, to actually be, extremely busy. At some relatively recent point, something triggered that instinct and I found myself going from being good about my rest to attempting to be busy 24/7. I need to back the hell of. Who is going to call me lazy when the person who matters most is trying to get me to do less of some things. Not everything has to be a priority project.
In order to get something done, I am going to break this entry up into manageable pieces.
Next: taking bite sized tasks on.
The pain has been horrifying lately to the point where I was ready to panic. That's when I realized that I had gotten lazy about my pain treatment. The pills had been working on their own so I got into the habit of being a one trick pony and one that waited for severe pain before taking them. That's not how the game is played.
As the title promised, here's an incomplete checklist on how it is played.
1.) Keep up with the routine stuff.
Like most of us, my memory is iffy at best. One of my medications is a patch that has to be changed every 72 hours. How the hell am I supposed to remember that? Duh, John! You write it down. The calendar where I had been tracking this got buried. I unburied it and I haven't missed a patch change since.
Not all the routine stuff is so straightforward. The next big improvement I neee to make is getting regular rest. Right now, that means saving my work and getting back to it later. It's later now as the threatened pain spike eased off.
Regular rest is a toughie for me. One of the more successful strategies I used for avoiding abuse was to appear to be or, better yet, to actually be, extremely busy. At some relatively recent point, something triggered that instinct and I found myself going from being good about my rest to attempting to be busy 24/7. I need to back the hell of. Who is going to call me lazy when the person who matters most is trying to get me to do less of some things. Not everything has to be a priority project.
In order to get something done, I am going to break this entry up into manageable pieces.
Next: taking bite sized tasks on.
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