Aging sure is a weird thing! I was thinking about a particular event that I remember as if it happened yesterday and realized that it happened much closer to 30 years ago than 20. When did I become the person things happened to 30 years ago? In any case, it was a minor thing only memorable because I walked past two of my very best friends that year without saying a word because I was in a snit. I happened to be 14 at the time so it was a good snit. In any case, some poor innocent (the other good friend) was sent as a messenger who caught up with me late that day.
The poor messenger asked me (in his own words) if something had been wrong that day because I hadn't spoken to a certain someone. I probably sounded a bit sarcastic but it was out of legitimate surprise when I expressed my surprise that she had noticed. He put about a paragraph of emphasis into three words, "Yeah. She noticed."
Since the entire snit had been over feeling invisible, my bit of self righteous anger collapsed in on itself. I assured my poor messenger friend that I'd been upset about something but not anymore. Before you think that this is me being self congratulatory, I assure you that I was quite upset that I had inflicted whatever tiny amount of damage that I'd done. My intention was to avoid being my usual self and I found it easy to see myself as a boot licking puppy in those days. Yes, I was - and I am - a few years younger but that did not make me a subordinate just for being nice to someone.
I bring this up because it happened to me again within the last couple of days but in a much lower pressure situation. I saw a picture of someone I'd known online for something like a decade and I complimented her as had many others. That's when the figurative voice in the back of my head told me that I wrote something that made me appear to be some drooling teenage pervert so I added a weak joke on the end. Feeling slightly better, I decided to post the comment instead of deleting it all as I had considered. A back and forth insued and I felt like a complete fool but it ended with her replying that she would have simply believed that the other person would accept a simple compliment but that it might not have been my experience. Ding ding ding! And the winner gets this back handed apology. Is it a left handed apology that I mean? One is actually something nasty disguised as an apology but I mean the one where the apology is real but all covered in a disguise of humor.
Let's skip back to a time so long ago that it was only about a year before I met Melissa as Melissa. I was in a big argument with my girlfriend at the time and she was one who liked to defend herself by appearing all cold and impossible to affect. In fact, I made frequent remarks that I kept in the privacy of my own head that I would rather be with someone like Melissa. (That last part was self congratulatory, of course.) I lobbed insult after insult over the apparently unaffected castle walls to no apparent effect. This all took place online in the Internet's younger days so I was unsurprised when she lost her connection. I took the opportunity to disappear as well before she could return and continue to kick my butt.
Now I'm confused. I think this argument might have taken place after the breakup and after Melissa and I had gotten together. That would make it actually 20 years ago. The ex and I tried to be friends a few times but we kept on running into the same problem. I would hurt her feelings, she would pretend like I was nothing more than a two year old and so I would try harder. Unfortunately, as she confessed to me during one of those times of friendship, I was hurting her feelings and she was just hiding it to try and deny me satisfaction.
The moral of this story is that 2+2=4 no matter how much it looks like 17. If you are being nice to someone, chances are that they do not resent it and think of you as an annoying puppy who won't go away. If you say something hurtful, the target of the insult will probably be hurt. You are probably telling yourself that you're of above average intelligence so you don't need to hear this but I'm of above average intelligence and I could have used the advice within the last couple of days.
I know the impulse that makes you think that you should lash out and I know it well. There have been many years of my life when I've felt invisible to everything but trouble. Trouble can find anyone at any time. I need to work on not being the trouble. The woman who inspired these last few entries is three years older than I am with more kids than I can imagine having. It is far more important from an objective perspective that she spends her attention on those children and her current life than on someone who thought that she was a hero 30 years ago. The ex and I were never serious and we weren't particularly well matched. Then again, we were each other's best option for a brief time more than 20 years ago and I have some fond memories. I'm quite sorry that our very last conversation involved her hitting me with a legitimate complaint that I didn't understand because I confused it with something else. Much later, I had a real metaphorical head slapping moment when I realized that I should have apologized because I had done what she said I'd done though inadvertantly. As for the person I might have insulted in the last couple of days, I think that was the first time I actually saw a picture of her. The picture was pretty and that's a simple objective fact.
Finally, I need to stop thinking of all the bad things I've done in my life now that I'm almost 41. I'm entering my fifth decade of accumulating mistakes and misdeeds. While I do need to learn from them, I must remember the Chiarian motto and "Be gentle with myself."
Today was supposed to be about active listening so I suppose that's next. I think I need to study up or something.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Monday, June 8, 2015
From Grief to Growth Pt. 2
First of all, I'd like to mention that another friend of mine who is very much still part of my life had her first child recently. I'm not sure how old the information was when my Facebook account started working again miraculously but I wouldn't give you a child's personal information anyway. Congratulations, old friend and to her hubby as well! Congratulations and thank you for staying in my life.
Now, I'd like to continue honoring the help I received from that old friend about 20 years ago. So far, I've covered what we might call conversational posture. With a few simple even when not easy skills, you can help improve someone's self esteem drastically. Continuing along those lines, there is so much you can do to help someone using the power of touch. One of my current favorite writers, Jim Butcher, gets deeply into the power of touch with his professional wizard, Harry Dresden. At one point, a very unhappy Dresden notes that no one had touched him in months except to deliver the occasional beating. Therefore, a pleasant touch from someone is impossibly pleasing despite the lack of any sexual context.
When I was 14, I became aware of the fact that no one touched me other than family members. In fact, there was a zone extending approximately six inches from my skin where no one was willing to go. I started looking forward to things like crowded hallways where I might get jostled just for the human contact. This friend of mine actually touched my shoulder or arm during a conversation and I'm sure I flinched away the first time.
Unfortunately, this is one of those arguably manipulative things. I joke that I can use my powers for good or evil but there's an element of truth to it. When horses are "broken," the process starts with a light touch and ends with the horse wearing bit, bridle and saddle. I have seen the results of this sort of gentle approach applied to humans and the victim's life gets shattered. Don't use touch as the means to an end. Just don't. I've never had it done to me or even had anyone try. I'm very lucky that the awkward 14 year old me met someone so nice and safe to be around.
I don't really want to get into technique where touching is concerned because so much is involved. Everyone is different so there are few hard and fast rules. Since I think it would be obvious, I am sure that someone will think otherwise. Don't try touching a shy person anywhere you'd be in trouble for touching a minor in front of some high moral authority. Don't grab hold of anyone. Even if the shy and/or awkward person finds you attractive and turns out to be your spouse years down the road, start very slowly. Pats on the back or arm are good when you're dealing with someone who is unused to being touched.
If you find success so that both of you are comfortaable, repeat and repeat often. If your new friend is someone like I was, you are overcoming years of physical isolation and worse.
Touching is a very tense subject for me to this day. I crave contact with other human beings but simple touches can be painful to an extent that is vastly out of proportion with the intent of the touch. A pat on the shoulder can be horribly painful these days so I shy away from touching. Melissa is one of the very few people who know how touching me can hurt me yet understands that I still need it. Even she can get nervous about it all when my symptoms are firing away. Some doctors understand extremely well. I still remember one giving me a shot with a needle that appeared too long to be used by someone in the same room with me. I took in a sharp breath, muttered some variant on ow and then realized it hadn't actually hurt. Out of respect for the doctor, I admitted that it had been a premature ow because I thought it would hurt.
Melissa's late Aunt Lois suffered from severe pain from both cancer and heart troubles and we're not sure which killed her. I used to look forward New York trips just for her hugs. She understood me and I don't recall her hurting me even once. We were fighting the same battle and I miss her for many things but the hugs alone would have been enough.
Touch is a powerful tool and it must be used carefully. Keep your new friend's reactions in mind and don't push them too hard or too fast. The simplest touches can end up meaning the most. I can remember my old friend helping me with the top clasp on the neck of my band uniform. My fingers were too pudgy and I was nervous because everyone was watching me struggle. (Few people were watching but it always feels like everyone when you are struggling.) She just walked up to me, hooked the dratted thing and I was filled with intensely warm feelings of friendship. I misunderstood how I felt but the 40 year old me understands that you can feel a roaring blaze of friendship especially when touch is involved.
Never underestimate friendship. The word alone has great power that we've diluted sadly in our society with terms like "just friends." Many of us live in tight quarters with millions of people if we live in cities. It is possible to show enough politeness to each of those people to brighten their days but few will rise to the level of friend.
Now, I'd like to continue honoring the help I received from that old friend about 20 years ago. So far, I've covered what we might call conversational posture. With a few simple even when not easy skills, you can help improve someone's self esteem drastically. Continuing along those lines, there is so much you can do to help someone using the power of touch. One of my current favorite writers, Jim Butcher, gets deeply into the power of touch with his professional wizard, Harry Dresden. At one point, a very unhappy Dresden notes that no one had touched him in months except to deliver the occasional beating. Therefore, a pleasant touch from someone is impossibly pleasing despite the lack of any sexual context.
When I was 14, I became aware of the fact that no one touched me other than family members. In fact, there was a zone extending approximately six inches from my skin where no one was willing to go. I started looking forward to things like crowded hallways where I might get jostled just for the human contact. This friend of mine actually touched my shoulder or arm during a conversation and I'm sure I flinched away the first time.
Unfortunately, this is one of those arguably manipulative things. I joke that I can use my powers for good or evil but there's an element of truth to it. When horses are "broken," the process starts with a light touch and ends with the horse wearing bit, bridle and saddle. I have seen the results of this sort of gentle approach applied to humans and the victim's life gets shattered. Don't use touch as the means to an end. Just don't. I've never had it done to me or even had anyone try. I'm very lucky that the awkward 14 year old me met someone so nice and safe to be around.
I don't really want to get into technique where touching is concerned because so much is involved. Everyone is different so there are few hard and fast rules. Since I think it would be obvious, I am sure that someone will think otherwise. Don't try touching a shy person anywhere you'd be in trouble for touching a minor in front of some high moral authority. Don't grab hold of anyone. Even if the shy and/or awkward person finds you attractive and turns out to be your spouse years down the road, start very slowly. Pats on the back or arm are good when you're dealing with someone who is unused to being touched.
If you find success so that both of you are comfortaable, repeat and repeat often. If your new friend is someone like I was, you are overcoming years of physical isolation and worse.
Touching is a very tense subject for me to this day. I crave contact with other human beings but simple touches can be painful to an extent that is vastly out of proportion with the intent of the touch. A pat on the shoulder can be horribly painful these days so I shy away from touching. Melissa is one of the very few people who know how touching me can hurt me yet understands that I still need it. Even she can get nervous about it all when my symptoms are firing away. Some doctors understand extremely well. I still remember one giving me a shot with a needle that appeared too long to be used by someone in the same room with me. I took in a sharp breath, muttered some variant on ow and then realized it hadn't actually hurt. Out of respect for the doctor, I admitted that it had been a premature ow because I thought it would hurt.
Melissa's late Aunt Lois suffered from severe pain from both cancer and heart troubles and we're not sure which killed her. I used to look forward New York trips just for her hugs. She understood me and I don't recall her hurting me even once. We were fighting the same battle and I miss her for many things but the hugs alone would have been enough.
Touch is a powerful tool and it must be used carefully. Keep your new friend's reactions in mind and don't push them too hard or too fast. The simplest touches can end up meaning the most. I can remember my old friend helping me with the top clasp on the neck of my band uniform. My fingers were too pudgy and I was nervous because everyone was watching me struggle. (Few people were watching but it always feels like everyone when you are struggling.) She just walked up to me, hooked the dratted thing and I was filled with intensely warm feelings of friendship. I misunderstood how I felt but the 40 year old me understands that you can feel a roaring blaze of friendship especially when touch is involved.
Never underestimate friendship. The word alone has great power that we've diluted sadly in our society with terms like "just friends." Many of us live in tight quarters with millions of people if we live in cities. It is possible to show enough politeness to each of those people to brighten their days but few will rise to the level of friend.
Friday, June 5, 2015
From Grief to Growth
The first thing I need to do for this post is to specify that no one has died recently in my various circles and networks. I am mourning the loss of an old friend who simply broke off contact with no explanation or notice whatsoever. First, I denied it to myself and then I tried to bargain but that's difficult when someone won't contact me and so on. I was actually angry at this old friend for a while and you can fit the number of times I've been truly angry with her on one hand. Finally, I wallowed for a bit and I've decided to move on as inspired by the post of someone who lost her husband to cancer. She lost her husband who had been in her life physically in recent times and not some online connection that might be far less important to someone who isn't me.
Cheryl Goldberg lost her husband to cancer and she has decided to move on with her life as best she can by helping people. For better or worse, she's a brilliant speaker and writer with a huge following while I am who I am. I've lost someone who was once very important to me but had been of far less importance for around 20 years to be honest. I've decided to honor her memory by sharing what she did that taught me how to feel like a valuable human being whether she meant to teach me or not. In memory of my anonymous friend, I am going to try to flesh out one or two things that gave her such influence over me. She did all this just by being herself so any accusations of manipulativeness will result in a metaphorical punch in the nose. Manipulation is something done as a means to an end. These things that lead to knowing people better for who they are. That is the end for me.
So, what's the first thing that you can do for someone to help them learn their own value? When you are speaking to them, invest that time in them completely even if it is just a few seconds. Make eye contact when you speak. This is a skill that may be more difficult to learn for some than for others. If you cannot manage eye contact, try focusing on some part of their face. If possible, turn your body square to your new friend and face them straight on while speaking. If you can find that spot on their face you feel comfortable looking into, hold your eyes there as best you can. If you keep trying to make direct eye contact and are forced to look away, you may appear distracted.
The entire process is important. Taking the time to shift your posture so that it is oriented on them establishes the fact that you are paying attention. Making and holding what you might want to think of as eye posture if you cannot manage eye contact makes the person feel as if they are the only other person in the room.
This is intense stuff especially for someone unused to enjoying the full attention of others. As the subject of such attention, I remember feeling fixed to the spot yet eager to escape only to crave more attention later. You can depend on this to make your escape so to speak. At the point when this becomes too uncomfortable for one of you, feel free to make honest excuses to get on with your day. A person in need of your help will remember that you stopped and took time out of your busy day to speak with them. The key is being honest. If you need to go and it isn't because you are busy, don't offer any fake details. Just tell the person that you need to go and take the time to say goodbye, see you later or whatever seems appropriate to the situation.
With that, I bid you good day until I'm up to writing here again.
Cheryl Goldberg lost her husband to cancer and she has decided to move on with her life as best she can by helping people. For better or worse, she's a brilliant speaker and writer with a huge following while I am who I am. I've lost someone who was once very important to me but had been of far less importance for around 20 years to be honest. I've decided to honor her memory by sharing what she did that taught me how to feel like a valuable human being whether she meant to teach me or not. In memory of my anonymous friend, I am going to try to flesh out one or two things that gave her such influence over me. She did all this just by being herself so any accusations of manipulativeness will result in a metaphorical punch in the nose. Manipulation is something done as a means to an end. These things that lead to knowing people better for who they are. That is the end for me.
So, what's the first thing that you can do for someone to help them learn their own value? When you are speaking to them, invest that time in them completely even if it is just a few seconds. Make eye contact when you speak. This is a skill that may be more difficult to learn for some than for others. If you cannot manage eye contact, try focusing on some part of their face. If possible, turn your body square to your new friend and face them straight on while speaking. If you can find that spot on their face you feel comfortable looking into, hold your eyes there as best you can. If you keep trying to make direct eye contact and are forced to look away, you may appear distracted.
The entire process is important. Taking the time to shift your posture so that it is oriented on them establishes the fact that you are paying attention. Making and holding what you might want to think of as eye posture if you cannot manage eye contact makes the person feel as if they are the only other person in the room.
This is intense stuff especially for someone unused to enjoying the full attention of others. As the subject of such attention, I remember feeling fixed to the spot yet eager to escape only to crave more attention later. You can depend on this to make your escape so to speak. At the point when this becomes too uncomfortable for one of you, feel free to make honest excuses to get on with your day. A person in need of your help will remember that you stopped and took time out of your busy day to speak with them. The key is being honest. If you need to go and it isn't because you are busy, don't offer any fake details. Just tell the person that you need to go and take the time to say goodbye, see you later or whatever seems appropriate to the situation.
With that, I bid you good day until I'm up to writing here again.
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