With apologies to whoever wrote the original:
I'm dreaming of a wet Christmas
Just like the one we had last year
May your days be merry. Don't fret
Because all your Christmases are wet.
No, I didn't make fun of Christmas because I had a pleasant day. Medication and Belgian Christmas ale held the pain at bay for most of the day. Melissa put up a string of lights over the inside of our sliding glass door in addition to the tree. I'm very fond of lights hung from the ceiling despite the fact that it's a college thing. Before I met Melissa, most of my favorite Christmas memories were from college. Since our finals were pretty late in December, people got particularly festive.
After Melissa made the gesture of stringing up the lights right where I spend most of my time, I was determined to meet her at least halfway. She loves Christmas while I have a history of mocking nearly every aspect of it. WMMR and State Line Liquors each played a role in helping me stay festive. My favorite radio station eased me into the Christmas music instead of playing 100 different versions of "Jingle Bells" the day after Halloween. On Christmas Eve Day, DJ Pierre Robert had a special "Christmas Eve Spectacular." He played rock and roll Christmas music, traditional carols sung by rock bands and then continued his usual wonderful and wacky trip off the cliff. Before I knew it, I was enjoying Christmas songs by Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin.
I woke up relatively early Christmas morning despite actually going to bed the night before. That meant I could catch the tail end of the Cord Family Christmas Special. DJ Matt Cord has brought his family into the studio on Christmas morning for 20 straight years despite losing his father a few months before Christmas of 2011. He just about broke me up when he ended the show with a long series of clips from things his dad said on the air. I guess I'm still too wounded to allow myself the chance to let my own family hurt me again.
Melissa saved me from a potential morose mood by coming downstairs just as the show ended. She broke our Christmas truce and bought me a PS3 baseball game from 2008 when the Phillies won the World Series. It has Ryan Howard on the cover and he went on the become the National League MVP as the Phillies went on to win the World Series. The games come out too early in the year to reflect anything that happened that season.
In the spirit of meeting Melissa halfway, I let her watch Christmas specials on our most reliable TV channel, Antenna TV. That's actually what the network is called. They have a cable channel, too, but they feature shows from the era of antenna TV. These shows didn't seem as hokey this time around. The good cheer was inside me somehow and I'm not talking about being drunk. The lights, the company of my wife and my cats and the rest left me in a holiday mood.
Well, this is a blog about pain so I guess I better get around to it. The serious rain didn't hit until the day after but the front moving in was making itself known. I was in severe pain but it didn't affect me as much as usual. I guess it's because we kept everything so low key and within my limitations. Eventually, I demanded TV time for my new game and that kept me well occupied but the demand was in the spirit of things. I wanted Melissa to enjoy her holiday TV but I also wanted her to see me eager to play with my new toys.
I believe there was a point when the pain was just about to overwhelm me and Melissa made me some food that wasn't leftovers from a party. Serious nourishment can do the trick of keeping the pain down where I can bear it.
The day after Christmas (aka yesterday) was a different story. With all the rain we got, I spent much of the day howling in pain. I was also tired because I had gotten out of bed when Melissa got ready for work despite getting almost no sleep. She got Christmas Day off but had to work the day before and the day after to qualify for holiday pay. That's time and a half for a day she didn't actually work so she's not complaining. Today was more of a regular day of work for her but it won't stay that way.
Her family is coming to visit starting today. I look forward to it despite the extra pain. Some things are worth the pain, after all. As Tom Petty sang, "It's Christmas all over again..."
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Apologies and Explanations
(As usual, I use the singular term, "pain doc," in reference to members of a practice. Some are men and some are women. Every once in a while, I may slip up and use a gender. Please excuse this. I am making a minimal attempt to protect the privacy of all the medical professionals involved.)
Last Wednesday, I made a few very pointed comments to my pain doc. Like most comments made in pain and anger, I meant the specifics of them as they applied to that particular time. Over that previous week, I had three separate appointments at that office. You probably know by now how painful it is for me to ride in the car. It's also painful to be around groups of people no matter who they are. The only real exception is when I'm drinking and it's obvious why I can't be doing that all the time. I was overwhelmed as a result and my porcupine spines were out.
The first pain doc appointment was actually more than a week before so it was actually two appointments in a week plus one related appointment this coming Friday. At the first pain doc appointment, we discussed ways of keeping me from moving so quickly down a path toward despair. My level of pain has been increasing much faster than the level of treatment my doctors can provide through narcotic medication alone.
We needed to think outside the box again. Previously, we had found solutions to some seemingly daunting problems. I was suffering from fibromyalgia symptoms but had no such diagnosis. My doctor informed me that fibro diagnosis is a process of elimination and that we had eliminated the other things. The doc put me on a fibro medication and my burning pain lessened as a result. I was trying to laugh about the bizarre things that my body does to me. I kept seeing television ads for medication to solve something called "restless leg syndrome" but I had the symptoms they were talking about in my arms. The pain doc diagnosed me with "restless arm syndrome" and put me on that medication as a test. It helped.
This latest outside the box thought concerns a medical device that I was supposed to get in 2002 or 2003. To be honest, I don't even remember what it does other than the fact that it runs an electrical current through problem areas. For years, I've shared the fact that a previous practice ordered this device for me and failed to ever secure it as a joke about inefficiency. At the end of that first appointment, the pain doc offered to make another attempt and I agreed. To be honest again, it was along the lines of a smile and nod. I didn't believe it would happen.
When I got home from that appointment, I got a call from the office stating that they needed to see me in two weeks about the device. I was at least half asleep and agreed. In fact, I was so out of it that I needed to call them back. I remembered that the appointment was for a Wednesday instead of my usual Monday but I forgot which of two Wednesdays it was. I had forgotten to write it down in my mostly asleep condition. I straightened that out in three calls or less and then I started stressing about this appointment. I tend to lose sleep before pain doc appointments and I'm not starting off with much anyway.
When I arrived at the second appointment, I was told very politely that the office had canceled my appointment. No one was sure why but I had not been informed. This was okay because mistakes happen and I can't be upset with someone who made an honest mistake and apologized. That's the sort of thing I resent my father for doing. In a way, I was relieved to not have an office visit because my sense of being overwhelmed was bad enough. I was given a prescription for the device and the information that it would be delivered to me for an in-home demonstration which is good. Remember. I don't really remember exactly what the TENS machine is supposed to do.
I got home feeling like I'd been let off the hook and the phone woke me from my nap. I was expecting a call from the medical supply company to schedule the delivery but it was the pain doc. I needed to come back to the office for a third appointment. Melissa wasn't home and I said that I would do my best because her schedule isn't quite so flexible in December. It turned out that she had off that day so I would have to come in for the second time in a week anyway.
It takes me an average of a week to recover from each appointment physically and mentally so I was still quite broken down. I was also loaded for bear because I feel the frustration from the person who has to drive me back and forth. First there was a canceled appointment and now there was another which I was unsure of how to treat.
As for the apologies, first there is the one to my beloved Melissa. Sorry I snapped at you and buried you in my frustrations. As I said before, "yelling" (I almost never raise my voice.) at the wrong person is a pet peeve of mine since I had been the target of it so many times. I'm also sorry that you had to absorb my frustration for all that time and you were buried in my feelings of being buried.
Secondly, sorry to the pain doc. I know you don't schedule appointments for the fun of it. I should have assumed that the changes were in response to commands from some higher in the food change. That person higher in the food chain is also not being malicious. They are responding to impersonal laws and professional requirements designed to "idiot proof" medicine. None of you are idiots and no idiot would survive practicing medicine for long.
My actual words were not all that severe. After all, I was taught to fear authority figures and that medical professionals were authority figures yet the fact remains that I react to stress like a porcupine. You may be pulling my spines out for weeks. The truth is that I am full of fear and helplessness. I spend most of my time like someone trapped in a raging river trying to keep my head above water and to avoid getting knocked out by debris. Sometimes, I feel like I'm drowning. You don't need to share that feeling.
Melissa saved me from my next encounter by postponing the third appointment with the medical supply company. I wasn't ready to handle it on any level. Having strangers in my home would have felt like an invasion so I would likely have treated them as invaders. I am very difficult to understand when stressed or tired. I was about 18 varieties of stressed and tired that day.
Now, I have had one day of calm waters that let me float down the stream. I got to enjoy almost 12 hours of being unconscious one day and a lovely glass of ale. When I returned to the 'net, I had 82 messages in my inbox to tell me that I need to reengage with the world soon. I'm not ready quite yet but it will work out. Life will knock me down again but I will keep getting back up. We'll take it one day at a time and be as gentle as I can to myself.
Last Wednesday, I made a few very pointed comments to my pain doc. Like most comments made in pain and anger, I meant the specifics of them as they applied to that particular time. Over that previous week, I had three separate appointments at that office. You probably know by now how painful it is for me to ride in the car. It's also painful to be around groups of people no matter who they are. The only real exception is when I'm drinking and it's obvious why I can't be doing that all the time. I was overwhelmed as a result and my porcupine spines were out.
The first pain doc appointment was actually more than a week before so it was actually two appointments in a week plus one related appointment this coming Friday. At the first pain doc appointment, we discussed ways of keeping me from moving so quickly down a path toward despair. My level of pain has been increasing much faster than the level of treatment my doctors can provide through narcotic medication alone.
We needed to think outside the box again. Previously, we had found solutions to some seemingly daunting problems. I was suffering from fibromyalgia symptoms but had no such diagnosis. My doctor informed me that fibro diagnosis is a process of elimination and that we had eliminated the other things. The doc put me on a fibro medication and my burning pain lessened as a result. I was trying to laugh about the bizarre things that my body does to me. I kept seeing television ads for medication to solve something called "restless leg syndrome" but I had the symptoms they were talking about in my arms. The pain doc diagnosed me with "restless arm syndrome" and put me on that medication as a test. It helped.
This latest outside the box thought concerns a medical device that I was supposed to get in 2002 or 2003. To be honest, I don't even remember what it does other than the fact that it runs an electrical current through problem areas. For years, I've shared the fact that a previous practice ordered this device for me and failed to ever secure it as a joke about inefficiency. At the end of that first appointment, the pain doc offered to make another attempt and I agreed. To be honest again, it was along the lines of a smile and nod. I didn't believe it would happen.
When I got home from that appointment, I got a call from the office stating that they needed to see me in two weeks about the device. I was at least half asleep and agreed. In fact, I was so out of it that I needed to call them back. I remembered that the appointment was for a Wednesday instead of my usual Monday but I forgot which of two Wednesdays it was. I had forgotten to write it down in my mostly asleep condition. I straightened that out in three calls or less and then I started stressing about this appointment. I tend to lose sleep before pain doc appointments and I'm not starting off with much anyway.
When I arrived at the second appointment, I was told very politely that the office had canceled my appointment. No one was sure why but I had not been informed. This was okay because mistakes happen and I can't be upset with someone who made an honest mistake and apologized. That's the sort of thing I resent my father for doing. In a way, I was relieved to not have an office visit because my sense of being overwhelmed was bad enough. I was given a prescription for the device and the information that it would be delivered to me for an in-home demonstration which is good. Remember. I don't really remember exactly what the TENS machine is supposed to do.
I got home feeling like I'd been let off the hook and the phone woke me from my nap. I was expecting a call from the medical supply company to schedule the delivery but it was the pain doc. I needed to come back to the office for a third appointment. Melissa wasn't home and I said that I would do my best because her schedule isn't quite so flexible in December. It turned out that she had off that day so I would have to come in for the second time in a week anyway.
It takes me an average of a week to recover from each appointment physically and mentally so I was still quite broken down. I was also loaded for bear because I feel the frustration from the person who has to drive me back and forth. First there was a canceled appointment and now there was another which I was unsure of how to treat.
As for the apologies, first there is the one to my beloved Melissa. Sorry I snapped at you and buried you in my frustrations. As I said before, "yelling" (I almost never raise my voice.) at the wrong person is a pet peeve of mine since I had been the target of it so many times. I'm also sorry that you had to absorb my frustration for all that time and you were buried in my feelings of being buried.
Secondly, sorry to the pain doc. I know you don't schedule appointments for the fun of it. I should have assumed that the changes were in response to commands from some higher in the food change. That person higher in the food chain is also not being malicious. They are responding to impersonal laws and professional requirements designed to "idiot proof" medicine. None of you are idiots and no idiot would survive practicing medicine for long.
My actual words were not all that severe. After all, I was taught to fear authority figures and that medical professionals were authority figures yet the fact remains that I react to stress like a porcupine. You may be pulling my spines out for weeks. The truth is that I am full of fear and helplessness. I spend most of my time like someone trapped in a raging river trying to keep my head above water and to avoid getting knocked out by debris. Sometimes, I feel like I'm drowning. You don't need to share that feeling.
Melissa saved me from my next encounter by postponing the third appointment with the medical supply company. I wasn't ready to handle it on any level. Having strangers in my home would have felt like an invasion so I would likely have treated them as invaders. I am very difficult to understand when stressed or tired. I was about 18 varieties of stressed and tired that day.
Now, I have had one day of calm waters that let me float down the stream. I got to enjoy almost 12 hours of being unconscious one day and a lovely glass of ale. When I returned to the 'net, I had 82 messages in my inbox to tell me that I need to reengage with the world soon. I'm not ready quite yet but it will work out. Life will knock me down again but I will keep getting back up. We'll take it one day at a time and be as gentle as I can to myself.
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