Almost everyone knows the Biblical story of how David killed Goliath. Those who don't tend to have a basic idea of how David the little guy killed Goliath the giant. David knew better than to attempt what we chronic pain survivors attempt. David killed Goliath with a single disabling blow from a sling stone followed up by the coup de grace. He wouldn't have had a chance in a long wrestling match with the giant. The story is that the rules of combat allowed him to gamble to fate of Israel on a single throw of a stone.
In my trinity of survival, I decided not to mention the slightly less important points in order to keep the number to a nice, simple three. Therefore, I didn't get to inspiration. This wasn't a slip on my part but more of a measured decision. I don't get inspired very easily. Little girls with lemonade stands may accomplish great things but there are underappreciatated elements to the story. If I opened a lemonade stand, my lemonade would get moldy or evaporate before anyone noticed it. The little girl needed supporters in order to accomplish anything.
David needed his faith in God to guide his hand. If David didn't have his towering faith, the story becomes that of a very stupid man who got unreasonably lucky. God was David's supporter and the truly inspiring figure in the story. Behind every little girl who goes on TV with a pilot who talks about how brave she is, you have an entire support system. Without them, you would have a tired and scared kid no matter what age she might be.
I take my inspiration from strange places. While you would be well justified to state that I know little about basketball, I draw inspiration from the Philadelphia 76ers. The trend right now is teams attempting to be Goliath. The idea is to get two or three superstars who stand as far above the traditional professional basketball player as those players stand above me. You have teams like the Miami Heat and the Boston Celtics who have a "Big Three." In the case of the Celtics, there is a fourth superstar who was brought in later.
Whether intentionally or not, my Sixers took more of a David approach. Instead of four future Hall of Fame players and eight other guys to carry their luggage, the Sixers crafted a team. Coach Doug Collins had nine or ten players whom he could mix and match against opposing superstars. In a best out of seven series, Goliath beat David but it took seven games. In truth, David lost to Goliath this time largely because David was too nervous to make his foul shots. At that, I'll admit the metaphor has been stretched beyond recognition.
As I struggled to pick out the action on the radio station 97.5 (with another station broadcasting the same game on frequency 97.3), I felt my heart sink a little. Another supporter had fallen even if they never knew that they were supporting me. Slowly but surely, my supporters are failing in this long but terrible struggle. I cannot and do not fault them yet I will fail without them. Just last week, I lost the ability to doze in front of the TV in moments of the worst pain. Yes, I do prefer the radio much of the time but I do not have the choice anymore.
It seems like only yesterday (but it has been much longer) that I lost the ability to confide my deepest, darkest and even potentially deadly secrets with someone whom they would not hurt. Once again, this supporter did what they could going so far beyond the call of duty that there are no words. There was no other choice. Even if they would allow me, I could not let my supporters bleed themselves to death trying to keep me afloat.
This sunburn is the single biggest issue in my life right now but there are pitfalls everywhere. The plumbing in this house is faulty and it nearly wiped us out last Christmas. Support came from out of nowhere in the form of a Roto-Rooter plumber who found a way to make a temporary fix while only charging us the contents of our checking account. That was less than half of what he should have charged so this was an amazing act of charity even as a one time act.
Technically, I should call on my single greatest financial supporter and dump it all on him. He owns the house, after all. Unfortunately, he is doing too much already and one more straw could break his back. This leads me to the biggest of all the losses and the one that connects them all. I was raised to believe that these people are all stronger than I am pretty much by definition. The strong are being forced to pull back step by step.
What form will my collapse take? The good news is in the inevitable dualism. I was raised to believe in my weakness but life has trained me to be clever and strong. It has also taught me that there is no one who will accept my surrender. The sunburn is getting better although it hurts just as much perversely. The blisters and burns left behind damaged skin which got rubbed raw to the point of bleeding a little. Literally in the middle of all the hurt, there is a patch of brand new healthy skin. The damaged stuff should fall off during the next couple of days leaving me with lots of healthy new skin. I may be worried about collapse but there is clear evidence of physical healing.
There is also all that healing I did in Ocean City. For two days straight, I have walked a single bag of trash out to the dumpster before the sun came up. That may sound absurdly conservative but it is more than I was able to do before. If I can keep at it, there's a chance of some important improvements. If even one room is clean and clutter free like that condo, Melissa and I could have a refuge. We could also have a base from which we could work outward.
Sorry, Goliath. I do not know how to surrender.
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