I spent the next few days living life to the fullest extent that I can remember. It only rained once and that was just for a couple of hours on a morning when I had slept badly the night before. Since I was still sleepy, I went back to bed and slept until nearly 10 AM. It felt good although I felt a mild regret for the hours I'd lost. When we weren't out on a mission to eat the best available food or find some souvenir for us or for friends, we spent a lot of time outside on the balcony or on the beach watching the water. It felt a little like I was absorbing calm from my environment.
Normally, I spend very little time outdoors and get almost no direct sunlight. In fact, I avoid natural light as if by plan although I believe that it is simply a byproduct of actual plans. When I opened the blinds on the second day of the vacation, I left them open all day. In fact, I kept leaving them open unless we were asleep or out somewhere. There's a line in a Pearl Jam song called "Rearview Mirror" about recovering from child abuse. The singer has left home and feels free. In Eddie Vedder's words, "Finally, the shades are raised." While there are practical reasons for keeping the blinds closed at home including the lack of conveniently placed windows for using natural light, I keep them closed in part out of shame.
Being able to leave the blinds open was a small step but it was symbolic of how I felt in Ocean City. By Monday, I could feel the healing seeping into all aspects of my life. Even my marriage seemed to improve despite the fact that it is the best part of my life at home already. Melissa explained it that the difference might be as simple as being able to speak to each other in a normal tone of voice almost all the time. At home, she might be in the kitchen and I might be watching TV but we have to shout to each other to have any chance of being heard. Even then, it's like playing telephone as a kid where I feel as if every word has been repeated through ten people with a 50/50 chance of being misheard each time. The most repeated word in our marriage is certain to be, "Huh?" Talking between the kitchen and the couch was an easy matter and so was talking between the balcony and the couch. We didn't even have to shout from the bedroom because we were either in there together or one of us was napping.
Even though I have so much trouble walking, I was much more mobile even in the condo versus at home. Thus, I was able to get up and get my own drink/snack and offer to get Melissa something. At home, I stay glued to my recliner and engage in an endless series of "while you're up" requests. That has to wear her down although she denies it most of the time so I made the effort to fend for myself as much as possible. I found us chatting in front of the TV or while she was reading without generating any ill will.
I hope the healing aspect is pretty clear by now because I'm going to get into the second part. How was this healing taking place? Could I find some way to take lessons learned and move them home? I decided that I would get up every day before 8 AM and eat a healthy breakfast that is designed to produce some productive bathroom time. I decided that I was going to get more sun because the light had to be what was making me sleepy enough to sleep through the night every night. I was going to start a major cleaning offensive that would leave the house as clean and free of clutter as the condo and...no pressure there.
There is such a thing as too much of a good thing and that includes planning no matter how hard I try to deny it to myself. My ability to do more at the condo was directly related to the fact that I stopped as soon as it threatened to become too much. There's a note in my private journal where I decided to come inside from the balcony because a headache was threatening. My life was so uncluttered that I was able to drop everything and take my meds right away without ten distractions. Coming home with a detailed plan of how to spend every moment of every day would be like coming home with a car full of souvenirs - more clutter.
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