Melissa's Birthday

In case you didn't notice (or my failing mind invented the entire memory), there was something titled "The Plan (with diagrams)" out there in fiction. It was just a small reference in a much larger work but it stuck with with me. Usually, I don't talk about my real plans unless I'm the only person involved. I don't like to tempt fate and I don't like to have people out there thinking that I'm challenging them to ruin my plans. Once more than two or three people are involved in a plan, simple friction from the different parts trying to work together can make it fail.

Today (July 22nd anyway) was Melissa's 42nd birthday. I love and cherish her for all the usual reasons but also because she gives me strength to deal with every day pain. We went out to dinner at one of her favorite places which is also one of mine because I get to drink so much more than she does. If there is a plus to not being able to drive, I encountered both plusses today. She got her license renewed at the DMV as well. She decided not to throw extra tension into my life so she did not remind me that it was her birthday. Well, she reminded me but I'm not sure it was intentional.

I had made no plans other than to pay bills today. With the house situation still unresolved, I'm trying to set aside as much money as possible. The idea is that something sudden and unlucky could hit at any moment has been eating at me. Well, I caught myself falling into an old bad habit from the days when certain stress was all too common. I left bills unpaid out of the fear of not having the money to pay them. Don't worry. It doesn't actually hold up under logic. It's leftover from the days of trying to please the unpleasable. The worst part is that it can snowball very easily if I let it. I find myself not wanting to face the shame of possibly being short on cash and so I try the hiding under a rock method. Meanwhile, monthly bills keep coming every month.

This was the day when I crawled out from under the rock and decided to find out where I stood. In the process, I learned two things: one was that the bill money was still there unspent and the other was that we were only a month behind. My system fell apart in June due to all the extra pressure on me but it is only July. There is a school of thought that says I should beat myself up for letting things slip in June. In truth, it's a one person school. Everyone else says not to cry over the spilled milk. You wipe it up and go without it for a little while if you spilled enough but that wasn't the case here.

When I added up the known expenses that could hit, I found enough left over for Melissa's birthday dinner. We had fun although I can't explain why to outsiders. It's just something about enjoying each other's company more than the specific activity. Her presence can make any activity special. The fact that she's beautiful doesn't hurt, of course.

I am amazed that anyone can survive chronic pain without my Melissa. I guess you just need to find your own support system. All too often, I find myself trying to finish some task with my symptoms in the way. I'm getting more frustrated by the moment and she will prick the balloon (risking my occasional bouts of rage) by pointing out how the task can be finished when I'm feeling a little better. In one last little tribute to her (I'd prefer to wax poetic for hours, of course.), I'm going to wrap this up right here. I love my Melissa who is so many things to me.