I was terribly upset yesterday because my in-laws were here visiting and I had been in agony for days before that. My family is very important to me so the idea of missing out on time with them because my health was taking another nose dive. The very good news is that I am blessed with an extremely accommodating family. There were times when they were staying here at my home and I was healthy enough to work all day writing yet I would spend less than an hour with them. They were quite accepting of what I needed in those times. I believe my major symptom at the time was falling down which sounds bad until you realize how much more standing I could do.
Now, it's all about the headaches and all over body aches while reclining in a comfy chair with a blanket and a cat or three. Many days, I cannot watch TV, read or play video games because I fall asleep only to wake when the controller of the moment drops out of my hand. Sometimes, I can keep my attention going for an hour or so when I'm already in severe pain. (I write these entries during my relative good points.) My beloved Melissa and family came in from a long day of doing various things. I fail to follow them on two levels. First of all, they are all women and they lean out over the edge into such stereotypical topics as baking. (I love the results of baking and that's the end of the story for me.) Secondly, they are all healthier than the average Chiarian. Walking through stores and other things mostly just require more energy than I have.
Thus, I was playing PS3 NHL Hockey when they came home. I paused it during their entrance because there is something about having people walk into the house. This time, it stayed paused because they were talking about things that were at most one level removed from my areas of interest. Every so often, I would jump into the conversation and then back out. They were as adaptable as I mentioned before with these hit and run tactics. Not even counting the part of the day when I got to act like a little kid and enjoy Christmas presents with worrying how it could be used against me, I had a very good time.
Unfortunately, my control slipped toward the end of the evening. As usual, I didn't ruin anything by crying out in pain. Everyone is so used to that by now that they don't react. It's a real catch for them because I get embarrassed when someone notices my pain and tries to change plans or "let me rest" to help. I also get angry because those same people pull off the perfect imitation of someone not noticing. I want to have my cake and eat it, damn it! This time, I wanted Melissa to read my mind and discover that my tablet needed charging and that I wanted a Powerade the fridge to take pain pills because Meekers had camped out on my lap. Perfectly sensible, right?
I know. This cannot be easy to be around. Of course, the Powerade and the tablet needing charging were minor things that I would handle myself if I weren't so trashed out tired that I was the puddle with eyeballs again. It's hard to imagine but they can't see my metaphorical distress. It's amazing what that special brand of fatigue produced by pain and stress will do. There are days when I have to sit and tell myself that I do not want to make the comment that will hurt Melissa's feelings doubly coming from me. I don't ever want to hurt her and I need to strangle those feelings in their crib so to speak.
The point is that the pain doesn't have to ruin everything. It will degrade everything by taking the shine off if nothing else. The good news is that they cannot read my mind so they cannot tell when I am thinking unpleasant thoughts about them. It's no reflection on them but pain can make me hate the world for a while. I'm just very lucky to have such an understanding family who will let me sit in the corner when it will help.
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