Crashing is Inevitable: Part II

I felt as if I could change the world for the better a few days ago and I'm still trying to hold on to the most realistic parts of that. Then, I came very close to losing it completely last night. We all know that I have big dreams but that I am satisfied with the parts of those dreams I've been able to fulfill already. Most importantly, I have Melissa and my three beloved trouble making cats who are plotting to disassemble the house piece by piece. I have my extended family including Staplefords, those married to Staplefords in all respects and, just as importantly, I have the Allen side of the family including the Silvestris and other branches. It's always been a dream to feel connected to something big all around me.

My writing career is something that probably won't succeed but I don't care. I love it so I will continue to battle the odds. Winning the grand fight against the odds as a goal has been both a positive and a negative for me as long as I have lived. I am a spina bifida/Chiari II patient who managed a BA in History and to earn my Eagle Scout award from the Boy Scouts of America. People helped me at every turn along the way and I have to get over the shame I feel about this. That's how life works. I owe a lot to my former peers in and the adult leaders who served Troops 660 and 2. I have happier memories of Troop 660 but that reflects life in general and I have to believe the adults of Troop 2 tried to save me from the bullies. The bullies have all either apologized or agreed to move on themselves. Sometimes, I faced greater challenges than what I saw others around me face and then there is all that help I got. I believe that God will not give me a challenge that I cannot equal though I may require a lot of help. If you're not religious, try a little horse racing analogy. At least in some races, they handicap horses by forcing them to carry extra weight. The fast horses get the largest handicap. Let's not get into my old bowling handicap because that just muddles the waters.

Nonetheless, I don't want to rest on past laurels though it may seem impossible to do more. I want to contribute to the community whether that means my neighborhood here in New Castle, DE or the Chiari community. When I saw just how large the Chiari community is, I just about ran in terror. How can I possibly help or even influence a group that large? I needed to stop being silly and remember how life works. I walked into "Saint Mark's High School" for the first time ever for two weeks of evening "Band Camp" before the school year started in the summer of 1988. I walked in carrying my baritone which is not for the weak to say the least and the door shut like a guillotine. To put it humorously yet literally, the door hit me on the ass on my way in.

I wanted to run screaming from the humiliation (that no one saw) but I steeled myself and made it into the band room. That's when life's other side caught up to me. A perfect stranger gave me the metaphorical hand holding that I needed to make it through that day. She became a good friend and then graduated at the end of that year while I went on to establish myself in school. I have spent much of my life since trying to live up to her example and I think I've done pretty well. I doubt that she reads my pain blog or anything else I write that ends up on Facebook but that's enough embarrassing her for now anyway.

How can I fit into the huge Chiari community? I will do the best I can walking in the front door. If it hits me on the ass, I hope someone will rise to help me. When I'm more established which tends not to take me very long, I will try to use this space to help people. I will be the guiding hand or one of many to help deal with the most frustrating times. I took on the job of helping the new Scouts fit in while at Troop 660 first on my own then in an official capacity. This is something that I know I can do and do well.

As for asking too much of others, I think I do okay finding a good balance. When the hideous feeling of all encompassing failure hit me last night, I went upstairs to listen to Melissa sleep for a while. That helped and I went on Facebook and bleated out my misery which helped. I took a look at my old friend's face and saw that she was surviving or thriving or whatever word applies. I don't know anything to reveal accidentally but I do know how a poorly chosen word out of the blue can hurt. I took a look at that smile since Melissa was asleep and would not have enjoyed having a light turned on just to see her and felt the old strength come back.

Crashing is inevitable for a Zipperhead. Our lives contain too much physical pain and too much loss for us to remain steady. I could choose to show you nothing but the best of me but I don't find those "glamor shots" to be useful. As an online journaller, I used an image of what I called "the peeper's window" to guide what I wrote and I do now as a pain blogger. If I knew someone were looking into my house through one particular window, what would I choose to show? The answer is mostly negatives like "as little as possible of friends" and "nothing that makes Melissa uncomfortable" but I could sum it up another way. I show you what I am like warts and all. Anything less would be unhelpful.

I close with this. Just remember that every story of crashing is followed by one of getting back up again even if I fail to write it. And now Madeline the cat is demanding that I stop this awful typing and go put a blanket on my lap. I am her Daddy and she wants a stable napping platform. Madeline almost always gets what she wants as do Pippi and Meekers but Maddie whines for all three of them.