I do not want to go to sleep. Being awakened by pain is a new thing to add to nightmares. I don't want to stay awake.because I know how painful that will be. I don't want to write fiction because I've come to an awkward scene in my current project. I don't want to go back to any of the other projects that I promised myself I'd get back to as soon as I made enough progress on (many other projects) to be able to set them aside without forgetting everything. I don't want to do anything because it all feels too much like work and I don't want to do nothing because that feels like failure.
The fact of the matter is that I hurt too much to think it might be possible to relax, I'm frustrated with myself to the point of feeling like I deserve the pain anyhow and I fear the awful consequence of waking up in pain. I'm stalemated on everything. The entirety of my life seems to be balanced on unpleasant consequences. I was certain that the 20 ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi that Melissa bought would taste good. I was afraid that she had bought it for herself and that she would miss it if I drank it. Of course, it tasted just as good as I had hoped so now it exists in the past tense only. I may very well have subtracted from Melissa's happiness even if she remembered where she put it and I don't like making her life less unpleasant despite the fact that it was very good.
Why am I writing this when everything I'm writing adds up to the pointlessness of life? I gained a new Twitter follower and learned of another Zipperhead in the making trying to get the surgery done so she can feel right. It is possible that she will be relieved of all her symptoms by a true Chiari expert but it's unlikely. Surgery frees us from the progression that might be deadly sooner or later. That's presuming that the experts consider her to be a surgical candidate with what the community likes to call Chiari Zero with a very small herniation or I might be remembering this all poorly. My 20 mm. herniation was considered huge but I don't remember if half or a quarter of that is average. She might be in the sweet spot of the very old school method of determining surgical candidate. My surgeon used how badly your symptoms hurt you as the primary consideration.
There was once a gentleman considered to be a real pillar of the community who told us all how being in good shape before your surgery is the key to a good outcome. By the time I alienated him with my bad attitude, he had long since regained the ability to bench press more than his own weight. He held himself up as the ultimate success story. He can't hold himself up as anything these days because he died though I do not know whether his death was Chiari related or not. I was exiled from his part of the community while he was still very healthy and I do not plan to ask those who exiled me for forgiveness. I was kicked out after I had quit already.
My point is that Chiari is something to take very seriously regardless of your specific statistics. By definition, ACM interferes with the function of your brainstem. That part of your brain handles autonomic functions like breathing and keeping a regular heartbeat. Most of us suffer from memory loss though that could be from having something else on your mind. The crowding in your head and having surgery to make room sets you up for a lot of pain. Your brain uses such neurotransmitters as serotonin to handle increased pain yet these same neurotransmitters regulate mood so you are likely to suffer psychological difficulties as well. I mention that to tie in the fact that mood crashes are inevitable. My neck twitches very frequently with a lesser issue of tremors elsewhere. Damage to your spine means that any signal can go wrong including the shockingly complicated process of standing on your own two feet and walking.
My eyes are closing now as I'm writing this so I should sign off. I've been symptomatic for 15 years or so with no end in sight yet I learn and relearn patience over and over. I try to enjoy the small victories as they happen and try to give myself some slack in defeats. We all need to do the same thing whether it is easier or harder for you. After all, not all of you will be lucky enough to have Melissa.
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