A Smidge Better

The world isn't ending. The sky is not falling. My mood simply went very dark for a while. A long time ago, I was taught to dislike myself. I was taught about good things and bad things that you could be in life. Looking back, it isn't surprising that I had far more of the bad traits than the good ones. I liked the wrong things especially where my diet was (and is) concerned but it went beyond that. I was destined to be unloved and to have bad things happen to me.

I thank God that I met Melissa and learned that I was loved for who I am. Sometimes, I'm surprised by how few illusions she has about me. A lot of those bad traits simply are not bad to her point of view. She knew that I enjoy eating and drinking beyond the point that is healthy before she fell in love with me. We're compatible like that.

I went to her full of darkness and confessed those bad traits. It was funny how petty it all seemed out in the light. I don't mean my darkness but the things I had used to justify a moment or two of self loathing. I was worried that I was drinking too much and that triggered two reactions in me. The first was my hoarding instinct. I was digging into and taking the risk of depleting my supply of something. The second was the deeply ingrained fear of being an out of control glutton. After all, I spent most of my young life on diets that made me crave food more than anything. At the same time, I was taught that craving food was wrong.

Here are the actual facts. I am in control of my drinking according to someone who would recognize the signs very easily. Belgian Ales happen to be one of my favorite things in the world. I have been drinking more than usual because Belgian Ales were on sale including all of my favorites. Once exposed to light, I realized that Belgian Ales are the chocolate chip cookies of beverages to me. I am far worse about chocolate chip cookies than Belgian Ales because chocolate chip cookies tend to be cheaper.

For a little while longer, Belgian Ales will be on sale. I should enjoy them now while I can. I won't drink them until I'm drunk because that would be a waste. You can't taste the finer flavor notes while drinking that much. It took me 12 hours to go through a 750 ml bottle of Ommegang Abbey style ale. That's not getting drunk or wasting anything. I tasted every drop. If we should run low, we might even go out and get more.

Being in constant pain, I must have something to enjoy. Belgian Ale is a lovely treat. If only I could have some Belgian chocolate and German food but I'm not getting those. We're not made of money and my sense of entitlement is not that oversized.

I'm okay. The darkness has been purged for now.