I haven't slept well in a while again but it isn't the usual pattern. I am not afraid to sleep and dream now. I welcome the escapism. I welcome sleep as an escape from being me.Right now, I cannot stand myself. I am a greedy whiner who can never have enough. I have managed to become the guy who wants to have his cake and eat it.
My cake is Belgian or Belgian style beer. My favorite liquor store had a tasting of Belgian beers and then put them on sale. I live for this event to a surprising extent. Most of my new friends show up and we chat as we drink beer and eat cheese. I noticed the potential problem that same night. We spent a fair amount of money on beer that won't last very long. Every time I take a sip, I experience the expected delight and then I feel a loss.
Intellectually, I know that the sale is still going. We could afford to replace every drop I have drunk so far. The problem has nothing to do with the beer. My problem is that I do not like myself at all. Being alone with myself is a grueling experience. Indulging in Belgian beers makes it a little easier. If I explained it to Melissa like that, I am sure she would get me more. .bank account willing. Having that kinda power scares me.
The same metaphorical voices in my head that make me ashamed of so many other things make me afraid of being a crass manipulator. The God-awful truth behind the title of this entry is that I am getting a break from the worst of the physical pain. It's not always one or the other because there are plenty of days filled with physical and emotional pain.
When I get a break from the worst of the physical pain, I think I have some need to process the other bad stuff. The current processing method of self hatred isn't working. My head is filled with bad ideas like causing myself intentional physical pain.
When all my ideas are bad, that is a legitimate excuse to do nothing.
The old saying about getting out of a deep hole applies here. Step 1:Stop digging!
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