First of all, I'd like to mention that another friend of mine who is very much still part of my life had her first child recently. I'm not sure how old the information was when my Facebook account started working again miraculously but I wouldn't give you a child's personal information anyway. Congratulations, old friend and to her hubby as well! Congratulations and thank you for staying in my life.
Now, I'd like to continue honoring the help I received from that old friend about 20 years ago. So far, I've covered what we might call conversational posture. With a few simple even when not easy skills, you can help improve someone's self esteem drastically. Continuing along those lines, there is so much you can do to help someone using the power of touch. One of my current favorite writers, Jim Butcher, gets deeply into the power of touch with his professional wizard, Harry Dresden. At one point, a very unhappy Dresden notes that no one had touched him in months except to deliver the occasional beating. Therefore, a pleasant touch from someone is impossibly pleasing despite the lack of any sexual context.
When I was 14, I became aware of the fact that no one touched me other than family members. In fact, there was a zone extending approximately six inches from my skin where no one was willing to go. I started looking forward to things like crowded hallways where I might get jostled just for the human contact. This friend of mine actually touched my shoulder or arm during a conversation and I'm sure I flinched away the first time.
Unfortunately, this is one of those arguably manipulative things. I joke that I can use my powers for good or evil but there's an element of truth to it. When horses are "broken," the process starts with a light touch and ends with the horse wearing bit, bridle and saddle. I have seen the results of this sort of gentle approach applied to humans and the victim's life gets shattered. Don't use touch as the means to an end. Just don't. I've never had it done to me or even had anyone try. I'm very lucky that the awkward 14 year old me met someone so nice and safe to be around.
I don't really want to get into technique where touching is concerned because so much is involved. Everyone is different so there are few hard and fast rules. Since I think it would be obvious, I am sure that someone will think otherwise. Don't try touching a shy person anywhere you'd be in trouble for touching a minor in front of some high moral authority. Don't grab hold of anyone. Even if the shy and/or awkward person finds you attractive and turns out to be your spouse years down the road, start very slowly. Pats on the back or arm are good when you're dealing with someone who is unused to being touched.
If you find success so that both of you are comfortaable, repeat and repeat often. If your new friend is someone like I was, you are overcoming years of physical isolation and worse.
Touching is a very tense subject for me to this day. I crave contact with other human beings but simple touches can be painful to an extent that is vastly out of proportion with the intent of the touch. A pat on the shoulder can be horribly painful these days so I shy away from touching. Melissa is one of the very few people who know how touching me can hurt me yet understands that I still need it. Even she can get nervous about it all when my symptoms are firing away. Some doctors understand extremely well. I still remember one giving me a shot with a needle that appeared too long to be used by someone in the same room with me. I took in a sharp breath, muttered some variant on ow and then realized it hadn't actually hurt. Out of respect for the doctor, I admitted that it had been a premature ow because I thought it would hurt.
Melissa's late Aunt Lois suffered from severe pain from both cancer and heart troubles and we're not sure which killed her. I used to look forward New York trips just for her hugs. She understood me and I don't recall her hurting me even once. We were fighting the same battle and I miss her for many things but the hugs alone would have been enough.
Touch is a powerful tool and it must be used carefully. Keep your new friend's reactions in mind and don't push them too hard or too fast. The simplest touches can end up meaning the most. I can remember my old friend helping me with the top clasp on the neck of my band uniform. My fingers were too pudgy and I was nervous because everyone was watching me struggle. (Few people were watching but it always feels like everyone when you are struggling.) She just walked up to me, hooked the dratted thing and I was filled with intensely warm feelings of friendship. I misunderstood how I felt but the 40 year old me understands that you can feel a roaring blaze of friendship especially when touch is involved.
Never underestimate friendship. The word alone has great power that we've diluted sadly in our society with terms like "just friends." Many of us live in tight quarters with millions of people if we live in cities. It is possible to show enough politeness to each of those people to brighten their days but few will rise to the level of friend.
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