Hopelessly Restless

My schedule is reversed again so I must have appointments coming up. Right now, it's 6:30am and I'm feeling hopelessly restless. I thought about some random writing project that's been waiting in the wings forever and so I started it last night. It doesn't feel right but I kept writing with some breaks for playing an old computer game that I've had for years. I'd play for a little while then feel the need to write. It was almost a compulsion. Next, I'd feel an equal compulsion to get back to the game. Rinse, repeat.

I realized that I hadn't taken my meds from bedtime last night which probably has a lot to do with the inability to relax my mind. Both of my pain meds with psychoactive ingredients are to be taken at bedtime. One calms me and keeps me from twitching as badly as I would otherwise. The other inhibits the re-uptake of some neurotransmitters that regulate pain tolerance (and mood) so I've been trying to be better about taking that one. The problem has been how similar it looks to the medicine for fibromyalgia control. I take that one three times a day instead of once at bedtime so I can't keep them in the same container. It took me years to find the solution of keeping the bedtime only pill with my breakthrough pain meds. Since I always - except last night - need the breakthrough meds late at night, they go well together.

Sometimes I can't help but mourn the things I've lost over the years. One thing that used to charge me up more than most things was a good political debate. Now, the hostility just wears me down. I'll still do my easy activism (things that require a mouse click or a short local phone call at most) but I can't handle extended personal debate anymore. Everything seems to be very personal anymore except when it matters very little to me. Don't hassle me about the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) because it does very little and those who oppose it seem to be purely vindictive. My former employer (several jobs ago back when I was healthy enough to work), Papa John's made a stink about how each pizza will cost a nickle more so I've been sure to tip the driver an extra nickle per pizza asking them to mention it to management. If you can afford delivery pizza, you can afford to pay an extra nickle! The ACA takes us in the right direction so that is a good thing. If you don't like it, threaten to reveal where the aliens told you they buried Jimmy Hoffa!

Ah, that felt good but that's because no one was hitting back. The return shots used to be fuel for me but now they just hurt. How can anyone complain about something that moves us toward a more compassionate society? I had one nutty doctor tell me that it would destroy the health care system despite it not affecting the currently insured at all. This was when I was already moaning in pain. Apparently, Australia has flaws in their health care system so the United States can't do better. Call me an arrogant American but that makes me cry foul. She didn't have to force me into a debate while attaching electrodes to my head. She forced me by expressing disagreement, of course. Just put a gun to my head next time! Then again, there were a lot of helpful things she did that she didn't have to do. I am very fond of my doctors including ones like her whom I may never see again. Thanks to her, I believe I have one fewer diagnosis in my chart. No sleep apnea! Woo!

Life with greatly reduced stress has been nice. It can't last so I should be stockpiling sleep for those later times. Of course, the doctors tell me you can't stockpile sleep or make up hours missed. I should sleep when I can because I need more sleep than most people get instead of less. It's a brain damage thing. I have two issues with sleeping that cause the most trouble. One is something I like to call "the frantics." It amounts to a phobic level of discomfort at the thought of missing something fun while not in severe pain. If I waste time tossing and turning when I could be doing something fun, I get angry about it. There's just too much time when I'm stuck doing something pointless or I'm in too much pain to concentrate on anything. If I am so tired that I can't stay awake, I get the ten second dreams where I find myself in some stressful situation like driving without a license. Sometimes, it's a dream about the past when I could drive legally and I'm trying to stay awake long enough to pull over safely. Dreaming about frantic attempts to stay away is not conducive to sleep.

The other side of the coin comes when I get into a deep sleep. I don't want to wake up. It doesn't matter what I'm missing. Sleep is just too comfortable unless I'm having nightmares but even they don't get me out of bed. I find myself lying there half asleep trying to get back to total sleep until I realize something. I'm lying there in severe discomfort from having a post nasal drip but I know it will be much worse when I go completely awake. That's when the gagging will start. It's been a long time since I have actually thrown up from this but I tend to feel helpless to avoid it for at least half an hour unless I'm actively drinking a carbonated beverage. Diet Pepsi, or Diet Cherry Pepsi to be even more specific, is my drink of choice during these times. That might be why I'm afraid of lying down to sleep now around my usual time. We don't have anything in the house and I have no problems using Brand X especially when guzzling to clear my throat. We have water and some milk that is most likely spoiled but that's it until Melissa comes home from work. It's not a money thing but she wasn't feeling well on her day off and didn't bring anything home the next day.

We could pass the potato chip test these days. I used to have an economic theory based on potato chips. You could ask someone a theoretical question. "You wanted potato chips and did not buy them. Why?" If the answer was something about rent or a car payment, the person had to be in over their head financially. If the answer was about willpower and a desire to be healthier, they might just be okay. We've had money for potato chips for as long as I can remember so that's a good thing. When we don't have them, it's something to do with an attempt at improved health or it's about willpower. It might also be about the principle of waiting 48 hours to get a much better price but it has nothing to do with a lack of under two dollars.

Don't ask me about being able to spend $2000. That's where my problems come in but divide by one thousand and all is good. Divide by 100 and we could still do it if it were the only addition. This is a little like what the frantics feel like on a good day. I'm all disjointed and pacing back and forth in my mind. It could be worse.