Tragic News

My sickie buddy is dead. Lois was only 63 years old according to Melissa. Her death was not entirely unexpected but the timing was. We thought she had won her second round against lung cancer. First, we were told that the lung cancer would be fatal because her heart was too damaged to try radiation. Next, we were told that a doctor had tried radiation, she had made it and that the cancer was gone. I expected to see her again someday despite my declaration that I'm too sick to make the trip to New York.

Melissa took the phone call and her reaction told me that someone was dead. I feared for her mother and sister but not Lois who was supposed to be on the mend. That's when Melissa asked about her Uncle George and I knew. Uncle George meant that it had to be Lois, his wife since shortly before my wedding. She was sick and expected to die then, too. They hurried their wedding plans because she was so sick then but she rallied and beat lung cancer.

She never stopped being frail so we understood each other. When I visited with her, she kept our surroundings calm and quiet. She would always give me a hug but she never squeezed because she knew it would hurt. She didn't just believe it would hurt but she knew from experience. Trying to manage my own illness over the years made me appreciate her all the more. I never asked her when she was going to get better or any other intrusive health questions and she did the same for me.

Uncle George must be beyond words. I know that I would be. My worst fear is losing Melissa and I can imagine it was the same for him. Now, that worst fear has taken place and there's nothing I can do about it. I guess I'm lucky in a way. (I'm lucky in a lot of ways like having Melissa.) Before this long illness, I took the blame for everything around me. I would have made myself personally responsible for curing George's grief despite knowing better. Grief isn't like some cut that just needs a band-aid. Grief is more like a chronic pain disease. After he gets through these first terrible days and the worse ones that might follow, he'll find a way to manage his grief. If he's incredibly strong, he might even go on with his life. My money is on George.

I haven't even come close to expressing how I feel but I suppose I'll get to that eventually. This makes one fewer person in the world who understands if I may be completely selfish for now.