I am a pretty even tempered person who has never raised a hand in anger since I was a young child. Therefore, it is pretty disconcerting to feel that seething anger toward well meaning people or situations that are no one's fault. I decided that it was a character flaw and that I was unlikeable. That's when I heard a radio broadcast/PSA on WMMR about traumatic brain injury and rage. The rage they described was unlike anything I've experienced which was why it made some sense to me that there could be a link. I have some significant brain damage but it did not happen suddenly as the result of a mortar shell. God help those vets who are dealing with this all at once. I had time to adapt as the damage was taking place.
Writing this is shaming so I find myself beating around the bush in my head. Every time I go to the pain doc, Melissa has to tell me to calm down. I think I'm just winding up for the potential conflict but the truth is that I've started feeling a towering rage toward people who are trying to help. Usually, they escape the brunt of it because I've loosed it on Melissa accidentally but my cold rage came right out of me toward the pain doc last visit.
It gets worse. Every time I feel my symptoms triggered by having a few people around, the rage builds up in me even worse. Melissa has heard many a tirade about her family whom I consider to be my own. They are wonderful people but they are not silent like I am most of the time. To be more accurate, I am so used to the ambient noise I put out that it feels normal to me. If someone else puts out that same amount of mere background noise, I can feel my temper ticking.
When it explodes, I don't scream and yell while waving my arms wildly. No, I'm much worse than that. I say mean things to those whom I love and/or care about. Those mean things are targeted very carefully to cause maximum hurt per word. My rage is efficient and cold. I want to see my targets flinch or force them to fight back. I accuse my beloved of not loving me though the specifics are not blog appropriate.
Then, the force of the rage is expended and I feel an equally awful sense of loss. How could I possibly say these things to my favorite people? One time, shortly after I started to make the connection, I begged Melissa's forgiveness and she shrugged it off. She had been aware of this for quite some time but had come to the conclusion before I had. She has been willing to consider it another bit of sickness that she vowed to accept in October of 1999.
I need to do something about this. Just because I can justify calling it a symptom does not make it right. It's not only hurtful to others but it hurts me. How long before I lose all distinctions between me and my hot tempered father? Of course, that's another example. The man never actually hauled off and decked me no matter what his urges were. The damage he did was mostly through well targeted comments that might as well have been designed to destroy. He and I both use smart bombs instead of relying on carpet bombing. The target is destroyed but the surrounding area might well not notice.
Usually, these entries are meant to help people by showing them how I survive and handle symptoms but not this one. In this case, I'm asking for help. How do I deal with this towering rage triggered by someone preparing a nice meal and, therefore, banging pots and pans slightly? I'm telling you that this is about people who are trying to help or otherwise be nice to me. If it were about intent to harm me, it would be a pleasure to give them both metaphorical barrels. How do I warn people that this might happen? No one (except possibly you) reads this blog. I am asking your forgiveness in advance until I get this under control.
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