From the very start, I made no attempt to hide my reasons for writing this blog. I wanted to get the word out about what my symptoms are like. I warned you that things could be graphic and even disgusting though I'd attempt to screen out the worst of it. I am not going to find it easy to protect your gag reflexes. My original intent was to err on the side of informing you over protecting you. This slipped some over time as I tried to be less of a whiner, etc. It helped a lot when my medication caught up to my symptoms. Even now, with what I am going to tell you, I am a happy person leading a good life. At the moment, I'm enjoying a bit of a break from the worst of my newest symptoms. My pain medicine is helping make the pain manageable for now and for now is all anyone can ask.
Earlier today, I enjoyed a couple of action movies featuring giant manned robots fighting to save humanity which is one of my favorite movie genres. Outnumbered humans made a last stand against the aliens with giant fists, swords, glowing energy weapons and our sheer will to survive. Mostly, they won because they refused to give up. I'm not giving up either. I'm not drawing a line in the sand and yelling slogans like, "No retreat!" I may be forced to retreat and make choices about what recently reclaimed part of my life needs to be surrendered to save the rest in metaphorical terms, of course.
The latest development is crippling intense pain in my legs. At the moment, I must endure a ten on the pain scale to climb up or down the stairs much of the time. I suppose I can be grateful for having given up on using my bedroom since I sleep better in a recliner anyway. On the other hand, the bathroom is a problem. Everything about the need to use that second floor bathroom is approaching a crisis. Through most of the day, I have had to clench my teeth trying to avoid crying out in pain on the stairs. Shifting my weight to prevent falls has been the worst as I've held on to the railing for dear life despite knowing it will not take my weight in a sudden fall. Despite being barefoot on a nice soft rug, I feel like an athlete trying to make a sudden horizontal cut and getting my cleats stuck a little. It's not my hamstrings or my quads since I know what those feel like.
That's the inside of my leg and the part that's only disgusting by implication. After months of not making it to the bathroom consistently and this is a big deal to someone is incontinent already, I have large open sores in various states of infection or something. I can't really be sure about infection unless pus is involved and there is no pus here. Such is the state of how I feel that a lack of pus feels like a victory. Also the swelling has gone down from a few weeks ago.
I hate the fact that I cannot find a reasonable solution that doesn't involve massive changes. The only medium/long term solution that makes any sense to me would involve moving to a single floor home somewhere and installing a walk-in bathtub/shower. This would be hopelessly complicated and would require a force of will that I lack at the moment. I'm also one of those people who consider my cats to be members of the family as important as I am. Therefore, a first floor apartment would likely be out of reach due to the size of my furry family.
On the other hand, I'd like to keep my health in a state where I'm not seriously worried about losing my legs or my life. As any Zipperhead knows, things can improve over time with work but they sure can get worse a lot faster. You'd think I'd be panicking by now but I'm not. I have a good life, a great wife, great kitties and so I can enjoy each day as it comes along.
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