Excelling

I had a chat recently with a surprisingly wise fellow. I say surprisingly because you don't expect great intellect to emerge in games. After all, I can't be the only one to go there for the escapism. This fine gentleman questioned me closely about my life and the choices that I've made. Just when I was about to get snappish, he came to his point. In terms of the life I lead, I do a superb job. I endure it all and nothing more can be asked of me. That's success in my world.

Chronic pain is never truly satisfied with your performance. The reward for enduring cruel weeks of pain is more pain to endure. I hate the idea of enduring more especially since I'm hardwired to doubt myself. After every performance, my immediate thought is that I have to do better. If I don't improve now, something terrible will happen to me.

Guess what! Something terrible happened already. I cope with a lot of help from people who don't need to help. No one is paying them to help and yet they keep helping. When I thank them for going above and beyond, they scoff at the idea of going out of their way. There are a lot of good Christians even among the atheists.Thanks, everyone. You allow me to make the next point. I have to be a half decent fellow for them to want to help me. Help me, here. Give me a good push from wherever you are. I am a good person.

When I keep seeing failure in myself, there's one thing I keep missing. Success and failure are not independent concepts. You succeed or fail by comparing yourself to a set of standards. I spent too many years trying to compare myself to standards designed to make me fail. In the unlikely event of me meeting those standards, they were changed. Every time I scored, someone moved the goal posts."What do I have to do to earn your respect, Dad?" "Get your degree." "I have my degree now." *silence* The goal posts had moved. I do the same thing to myself at times.

What have I done wrong here? The usual answer is either nothing or "I've made an honest mistake." When I see a mistake, I own that mistake instead of trying to assign it to someone else. It's just more efficient that way but I'm learning that this isn't always best. When those who care about me make honest mistakes, they seem to benefit from owning up to them, too. Just because my father did something one way, that's not reason to do it the exact opposite way. The trick is to avoid the blame game entirely. If Melissa wants to fix a problem, I'm more than happy to let her. She fixes most of our problems when you get down to it.

Avoiding the words, "It's all my fault," may be the key. It's not all my fault and no reasonable person would ever believe that I am the cause of all the problems in my little corner of the world. Reducing my use of this phrase may be the next big thing. I am going to see the pain doc today and I won't blame anyone for perceived lateness and delays. I will avoid getting involved in any little spats that don't involve me. For one day, anyway, I know I lack the strength to help so I'm staying out of it all.