Wow! I just finished The Last Dark by Stephen R. Donaldson and I am content within myself for the moment. In a very real way, I waited the better part of three decades for this book. Now that I have finished it, I am contented. I may never have to read again. Okay. I hope it's obvious that I'm joking about never reading again but I could never had died happily had this book not been written. No, I'm not dying any faster than I was yesterday or weeks ago but I am content with my mortality.
I've been struggling with being sick all summer long since a weekend trip to New York ran into the great flood and then into one of the culminating battles of my life without time for rest or recovery. I've been blaming myself for things that lie purely beyond my control. My mother always accused me of only caring about the things that were beyond my control but she assigned entire realms of blame to me. I'm not to blame for this heritage any more than I am for the rest of it. I'm sick. Just coping with being sick is more than I can handle. As for the rest, there are resources that are not part of me out there to help. Some of those are people, some are things and a few are actually cats whether or not they will admit this in public.
Do I assign the blame elsewhere? Nah! I don't need to do that anymore. I gave up blaming others long before I could stop blaming myself. Of course, we all fall into bad habits from time to time. Pain is a great teacher of good and bad habits. I should say it's a great teacher of irrational habits. It's difficult for me explain things like setting aside blame when the nature of humanity all but insists that I demand retribution for my hurts. I could give you the example of Melissa about how something came up just from living together that seemed to justify blaming her for all my pain yet that something is all but always gone within an hour or two. A better example could be how I dislike sin but value my fellow sinners. To put it in terms anyone who knows me would believe more easily, I have a very strong dislike for the damage done to this country by the Republican Party yet I will not blame any particular voter for inflicting that damage since they are driven by as much irrationality as I am. Unfortunately, cannot forget even when I may hold someone blameless and forgive them. No one should have to put up with an abusive relationship no matter what causes it to exist.
I am terrified by situations that seem to overwhelm every resource I have. One of those is my terrible dependence on Melissa. I shudder at its effect on her. I get upset whenever we are separated for more than 12 hours or so. It looks as if there will be a need for us to endure some separation in the near future although it will depend on the exact nature of the plans others have. If we cannot meet the cost in terms of money, physical pain and my ability to endure it, I must endure a separation. It's a lot to ask of me but it's less than I ask of others and I recognize that. No matter what the exact nature of the plans entails, I cannot be Melissa's number one priority on a date coming up soon. I do not wish to jinx it because I know how easily complicated medical plans can come undone. I cannot be myself and tear at her that way. Whether I am physically with her or not does not alter this fact. I may end up having to bleat my needs at her or someone else more loudly than usual but that doesn't mean she can prioritize me as highly on that day. I cannot think of anyone with as strong a claim on me than Melissa but she has her independence.
So, to put this in more certain terms, I'm going to forgive Melissa for likely being forced to abandon me to take Barbara to Yale's hospital up in New Haven, CT. I'm going to forgive myself in advance for the fact that I'm likely to give her a hard time about it once the pressure really hits me. Haven't decided whether that pressure will be financial, physically painful or emotionally painful yet. I don't know whether I'll be left behind in New York for less time or Delaware for less physical pain but it seems very likely to be one of the above. Four people in a four person car for a multiple hour drive would be unpleasant enough but then make one of them me in extra pain. Sounds easier on Melissa if I'm here.
Here's what I'm not going to do. I'm not going to use this as some sort of weapon intentionally. I'm going to give anyone other than Melissa a hard time and I'm going to try to avoid doing it to her. I can just feel the headache coming on as she attempts to get me to make all the decisions involving me so that I can't complain. Leave it to me to mention headaches. For some reason, we still only have one plugged in functioning phone in the house and I left it on the first floor. I dashed and whoever it was didn't bother leaving a message so I didn't get a chance to pick up on what would have been the fifth ring. Dashing up and down stairs is known to produce headaches in the small number of laboratory rats stupid enough to try it. I need to lie down.
I slept for hours on end. There's no telling when I fell asleep but I have an idea of when I woke up. Melissa came home the first time and announced the arrival of medical stuff I was waiting for. A couple of hours later, I woke up questioning whether she had come home or if it was a dream. Within a few seconds, I located the stuff she had brought in and I drifted off again. It didn't take long for me to wake up again but pain woke me this time. Melissa and I got a chance to talk before the pain overwhelmed me. It looks like I won't be going to New York for this trip because I would have to spend four straight days traveling. With that sort of pain, I would require all of Melissa's attention and end up leaving her feeling helpless. She needs that attention for Barbara. After all, we're still making the November trip so that Melissa can go to the wedding. That's a more reasonable explanation for me and it broke down my resistance.
Don't worry. I still feel like the sack of potatoes that no one wants. It's my feeling that I own not something that comes from the outside. One of the reasons why I've been so desperate for sleep is that managing my disability is a full time job yet I seek to give my life additional meaning. My writing is super-important to me because it's my way of leaving my mark on the world. If I didn't write it down, no one would know that I seek a world (as in my own little world around me) without blame? How would certain people out there know that they aren't the only ones down and out with pain?
I was awake long enough to eat then meditated to set my pain aside but fell asleep until the pain woke me up one more time. This was when Melissa took advantage of me being awake to excuse herself for sleep. I know that I need some horizontal sleep sooner or later but I had indigestion bordering on the threat of reflux and realized that lying down might be a bad idea in the short term. After that, I woke up long enough for me to crash again but I had my bedtime meds in me this time after going nearly a week without them. Pain, fatigue and medicine combined to knock me out for something close to eight hours.
Melissa and I are overwhelmed by everything going on around us. Today's big goal is getting an insurance check deposited in the bank. I decided to take charge of this last night when I realized that something was holding Melissa back. It's no big deal but it looked like one to her because she needed my help to break it down into manageable tasks. The first will be me making a phone call to confirm that nothing special needs to be done with the check and, presuming there's nothing new and exciting to do, the second will be Melissa making the deposit on her way to work. I need to wait another half hour for the credit union to open and then I'll make the call.
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