For the last few weeks, I have been writing up a storm. Two drafts of a novella aren't a bad month's production for me. I've been working on my fantasy world as well. With the introductory short stories finished or ready for serious feedback anyway, I started the first novel in the "Book of Names" series. I have been keeping crazy hours working for 24-36 hours at a time and then collapsing in pain and exhaustion.
It wasn't that long ago that I was on the edge of despair. Not only was I in constant extreme pain but I was accomplishing nothing as far as I was concerned. Those of you who have been reading since the beginning might remember the Trinity of Coping. First, you need faith in something to help you through. That's double for me with religious faith and faith in Melissa whom I call my health coach half jokingly. The second and third parts of this trinity are accomplishments and treats. If you accomplish nothing, it leads to feelings of total helplessness which cause you to lose faith among other things. Maybe it's just how I was raised but I find it tough to justify my existence at times even though I know you're not supposed to do that.
The third element is treats. Everyone needs something pleasant to anticipate and that's never more true than it is for someone who is in almost constant pain. If you're lying in bed embracing the peaceful nothingness of meditation because every thought brings too much pain, you need to know that something good will happen soon. We've had some highs and lows at this Stapleford household. The highest high was the week spent soaking in the peace down at Ocean City. The lowest point was losing our cable TV which had been such a dependable source of entertainment. I'm lucky enough to live with my beloved wife who understands this principle.
Recently, I've been working on accomplishments to the best of my ability. As far back as Christmas or Easter, I started a major push on the "Book of Names" project. I asked for and got colored pencils so that I could draw a map on some hex paper I'd printed. This allowed me to determine things like where the characters started, where they needed to end up and what was in between. I've had a book on world creation for a few years which I used to generate some things like what weather to expect and how to keep characters who are hundreds of miles apart on the same timeline.
Then, of course, I had the "Twice in a Lifetime" concept pop into my head. It didn't seem like something I'd get around to writing any time soon but it turned out to be fun. Even if what I've written is utter dreck, I am a writer and producing dreck is part of the process. There's a quote about writing first drafts where someone once said, "I give myself permission to write a shitty first draft." It's okay as long as the second draft is less shitty and so on.
So, what do you think happens when I write for days at a time often until I'm overcome by pain and fatigue? Well, I just told you. I'm overcome by pain and fatigue. I just spent most of two days lying down in a room with no clocks meditating and sleeping back and forth. When the pain is too much to stand while conscious, it's best to be unconscious. There were a number of days lost that way earlier in the week where I was in bed with a view of the clock. The ratio is probably three or four to one of days lost to productive days. Otherwise, I spend all my time lounging about in discomfort severe enough to require all the same medication.
The price is not right but there's no point in dwelling on that. I've already chosen a profession where the perceived cost of entry has dropped so low that there is a belief that anyone can do it. Oddly enough, that actually raises the bar on what you need to do in order to get in. Fewer people are reading fewer authors while the number of people who consider themselves writers has skyrocketed. The odds suck and most people who fail do so because they spend more time thinking of the odds than writing.
The price is too high but I wouldn't be me if I failed to pay it. The price for normal life is way too high for all of us with chronic pain. In order to get something more out of life, I have to be willing to pay an even higher price. Pardon the slightly cynical laugh that you couldn't hear. None of this matters as long as I'm writing dreck except for the fact that I do this sort of thing for myself anyway. I find an amazing degree of joy in creating worlds. Perhaps I enjoy creating people interacting in this world even more. It makes up for a lot to be able to write about a life so different from mine that I could never have lived it. At the same time, these fictional people have to solve the same problems as you and I.
Later this month, I'm going to hang out with my best friend for a few hours in his hometown. It's going to cause me extra pain that I could avoid by not taking the trip. Life is pain so, if you want to live, pain is unavoidable.
The next thing I write might just be about how to cut down on pain at the margins. It's not all about popping pills although they do help the most.
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