One of the reasons why I let things go is that I'm afraid to fail. One example would be yesterday when I was reclined in my chair in utter agony. Maddie and Pippi had me pinned down and they didn't want to move. Therefore, I stayed in the recliner having taken all the medicine I was due to take and meditating. How did I fail this time? Did I buy the first chair that came to mind? Did I fail to account for the additional weight of the cats? I had to have done something wrong because there I was lying there in extreme pain.
Thankfully, I've been reading my Donaldson books waiting for my chance to read The Last Dark and Thomas Covenant was forgiving Linden Avery for pretty much dooming the world. She was unconscious having worn herself out saving all her friends from yet another danger. He told her that, even if she had made such a mistake, it was only a mistake and that he didn't believe she needed forgiveness but he was more than willing to forgive if she did.
I was lying there in pain. It was mind numbing pain where I kept having to put the tablet down and simply meditate to process the pain. I had been through this for months of every Spring and Fall since I first got sick. Sometimes, I can be terribly dense when I decide to pass judgment on myself. There is no chair out there that can cure my pain through ergonomics. The idea was to be as comfortable as possible during the pain. There was nothing wrong with the chair. It is the nicest, most comfortable chair I've ever had. My arthritis is flaring up again and I'm extremely touch sensitive all over.
I was in a mood predisposed to panic and think terrible things about myself. After all, I was trying to provoke a favorable response from the contractor in getting the repairs started after my sister-in-law's medical crisis is over. I'm trying to get that firm starting date from the contractor so that I can give said date to the insurance adjuster and get myself relocated to avoid the banging that would send me to the hospital minimum. I had given in and spent money on the chair after needing to spend money on a plumber. The math says there is still money left over for the contractor but my nervous mind equates spending money with disaster. I need to remember that spending money on a plumber means having the luxury of running water. Spending money on the chair meant an end to the awful dreams that might as well have been hallucinations plus not having screaming neck pain working its way down to my jaw. These are good expenditures.
It isn't easy fighting a long war where the most positive outcome you can hope for is feeling a little better for a little while. It isn't easy to keep my dreams alive writing fiction every day I can manage it. That's not easy for a healthy person. I have at least two longer than short stories but short than novels all but ready to go. One in waiting on Melissa's fashion sense and I've lost track of what two others are waiting for. I think it might be me waiting for a clue of where to send them.
The certified mail turned out to be a neutral to good thing. I now have a check from the insurance company care of my parents (thereby taking themselves out of the loop) to cover the house repairs. They were going to pay the contractor directly but I'm not stupid. Someone is standing over my adjuster's shoulder telling him to get this *picture Yosemite Sam getting angry* claim closed! The need to go to New York is one of the last loops of confusion surrounding the mess. I have to be pleased considering the fact that I believed I was all but homeless back in June and now I have a check in hand to pay for repairs. Somehow, I suspect that the check won't cover the repairs or some nonsense like that but I have information on how to handle that. Information can be so useful for someone who is scared and hurting.
Let's see: told joke with serious point about blaming myself reflexively, gave my parents credit for being completely reasonable without even being asked and...forgot to mention the pain doc. My appointment was postponed by them from Monday to Thursday. That meant running out of my fibro meds but the office floated me a week's worth of samples to make it work. I did have to ask but the hoop jumping was kept to the bare minimum. I made one phone call to them and one to Melissa letting her know that she could pick the samples up. This was crucial because I'm in bad shape without my meds getting interrupted.
This all could go to hell in a handbasket in a hurry. I can handle a brief delay in getting my Social Security Disability Insurance money but any delay had better be brief. Sorry to those of you who are not of the true faith but I believe I should be allowed to forward any new collections notices to John Boehner, Dimwit of the House. Pain is not a partisan issue but health care is. Apparently, so is paying the government's bills. I have faith that President Obama will take care of those of us on SSDI as long as he can but I have no idea just how long that may be. Speaker Boner is up shit creek without a paddle right now and I'd enjoy it if there wasn't so much human suffering involved.
Right now, Boner could get a bill to reopen the government passed with bipartisan support. He would simply have to risk his political career by defying the Tea Baggers. He would likely face a primary challenge from those brainless flying monkeys and lose his seat. He could forget about being Speaker. Therefore, he needs to get some sort of concession from Democrats to cover his ass. It could be something moderate like lining undocumented immigrants (and those guilty of driving while Hispanic looking) up against a wall and shooting them. Not to borrow too closely from the great Swift but I bet the Tea Baggers would love Head Start if the children were given less fortunate children to supplement their diets.
In short, this shutdown garbage could become incredibly dangerous. Why do I not ask the Democrats to give in? You have to stand up to the bully at some point. Republicans have been running things by extortion and threat. I have good reason to be cranky but it's also time to sleep.
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