The pain was intense as it always seems to be when I consider sleeping. In order to let myself sleep, I need to be desperate. That's when I sit still and let Madeline curl up on my lap. For some reason, she prefers to nap on me. I must sit very still or else she hits me with the guilt.
Once I'm sitting very still with Madeline curled up, I work on a good meditative state, Sometimes, this goes well for me.Other times,I fall fast asleep. That's when the nightmares can come. There were two I remember from the last batch. I believe the conventional one came first. I was alone in the house and heard something moving around. Once I got the cats, I knew it wasn't them. The noise kept moving around me staying out of sight. I knew itwas ggoing to get me and clawed my way awake screaming or so I thought.
When I woke up in bed, I had forgotten staying downstairs.This time, I thought the noise was Melissa coming home from work. I got down there to greet her and it was actually my father rooting through the secrets of my closet. He turned to face me and I could feel his disapproval like a physical thing. I told him that I wanted his disapproval out of my life. I have never been that brave in real life but I woke in a panic.
I had to throw Madeline off my lap and move around to wake up for sure. When the pain returned, I medicated and meditated but I refused to sleep. Even when Melissa came home for real, I was too scared to sleep. Close to 12 hours later, Ii'm still too afraid to risk sleep I don't know which dream was worse.
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