This summer kicked my ass all too often so it's been a lot of negative from me. On one hand, it's only natural because Chiari sucks and so do all the secondary illnesses that might actually be worse than the Chiari many days. Thankfully, that's not my whole life. Once upon a time, I had to be the best student or I was wasting my time. Therefore, I was thrown in with the sharks - as in card sharks who are good at what they do - not the big tooth kind. That animosity has had time to go away.
When I got into more of a career situation, I learned that I was good enough at what I did. That was taken from me by the Chiari which became one of the biggest silver linings in my life. I hated my job not so much because of the pressure put on me but because I had to make someone cry on the phone nearly every day. Debt collection is a vicious business, credit card collections is that much worse and second chance credit card collections is the armpit of the universe where desk jobs are concerned. I wouldn't put it down with picking produce in the blazing sun but I think it's better to avoid looking down on people. Everyone who works for a living or struggles to make it without a job deserves respect.
All those years ago, I learned that it was the Chiari and not the job that was beating me up so badly. I couldn't rid myself of the Chiari symptoms so I had to give up the job. It was a shame that I had to give up my other jobs that I liked because of it but that was that. Instead of a relatively healthy bill collector or phone interviewer, I got to become the Chiarian Writer. The fact is that I write a lot more than I did while healthy at least since high school. High school hardly counts since most of that work was never meant to be read by another human being.
There is great pleasure to be found in sitting at my desk tapping away whether it is continued work on some old project I'm unlikely to finish or something new and exciting. It's a bit of a shame how I lost that sense of pleasure for a long time. For some reason, I bought into this lovely old frame of mind. I like to write. Are you any good at it? I doubt it. If you're not going to be elite, why bother? I enjoy it and it helps me if no one else. You'll never be any good at it and there is no other point.
That's when I find myself wishing that I could go back to my first kiss with Melissa or some other moment of glory. Instead of looking like I do, I'm tall, dark and handsome. I'm the sort of good looking that makes me difficult to trust yet the girls can't help themselves and that fantasy holds its appeal for a second and a half. I don't want to be like that even in a fantasy. The guy who is handicapped by his impossible good looks is the bad guy in my fiction. Somehow, pain and other forms of illness become external forces that can be beaten down.
Who cares if that obstacle in front seems insurmountable? The bigger they are, the harder they fall. It isn't like that in real life where big problems knock you down hard but getting knocked down is not the end of the world. There is almost always a silver lining even in extreme cases. I loved Grandmom and Pop Pop dearly when they were alive. After years or decades of suffering, they died and regained peace after so much stress. It's the greatest crisis that any of us can face and it's inevitable. We need to be ready for it while postponing it as long as possible. When the final crisis arrives, you get out of it what you put in just as with life.
When I do have to die eventually, I want to throw a big party and invite all the friends I've made in a lifetime. It won't be for me since I know how difficult it is to keep up with friends and loved ones while suffering a chronic illness in a relatively mild stage.The things I've experienced already have prepared me for what I'll want to do. There will be a main party in one room with music and dancing or "walker-ing" anyway. Time catches up with us all but it's no shame so long as we keep trying.
Shame is something on which I have wasted too much time and concern. I've lost a lot of writing time because I've worried about not being good enough. It's not always quite so complicated. My beloved asks me what I want for dinner and my natural tendency is to flip out. What about what she wants for dinner? I'm relearning that she asks when she wants my opinion for whatever reason. Eating is something that I enjoy a lot and I'm not a snob about most foods and drinks. I want a lot of flavor and I want to be full when I'm done. Since I'm in too much pain to carry out any sort of exercise programs, no one hassles me about what I eat. Would I choose being able to run and catch and throw and be able to play physical games like hockey over eating a lot? Maybe the true silver lining is not being able to choose
I think I skipped my point in that last paragraph. The thought that "bragging" about the silver linings in my life would anger everyone made it tough to open up about good things. How dare I enjoy all these good things when I haven't worked by fingers down to the proverbial bone earning them? I guess there should be two keys to understanding it all. One, I am enjoying myself to some degree most of the time. Two, someone out there, usually Melissa and the family, wants me to enjoy myself and has put effort into making it happen. I can't return their effort to the store so I have to return the shame somehow.
There are a lot of silver linings in all the black clouds I've been trying to teach others about. You won't find them every time and it can be exhausting to try. The key is to let it all happen. At some point, you'll find yourself happy for no good reason. Just roll with it since you know there will be tough times too.
